More than seven months ago, my father betrayed his family. Actually, he had betrayed us years ago. But it was seven months ago that we found out about it. In those initial days and weeks I felt as if I had been dealt a physical wound. And then after a time of intense grief, I decided that my family needed me more than my grief. I needed to be present for them. I came to think of my father, the man that I thought he was, had died. And day by day the situation with my dad grew to be less and less consuming. I was able to go through a day without thinking about him. But, of course, he isn't dead. He is very much alive, and he wants to be a part of my kids' lives, wants to be a part of my life. I'm left with the problem of how I'm going to sort out a new relationship with him as the person that he is and will be.
I think about these things more on Sunday. Each time I reflect on this whole situation, I come to a question that I have as yet been unable to answer. What does it mean to forgive? What will that, what does that look like for me and my father? I don't think that I am holding on to anger or bitterness. He thinks I am. I don't want him to contact me, and he has suggested that I clearly am in need of therapy.
I don't know. I simply don't know. But it troubles me still. There are days like today when the grief seems just as fresh and real as it did at the beginning. My siblings don't seem to be troubled the way I am. And I'm not sure what that means either. Am I making too much of it all?
7 comments:
I want you to know that I know how you feel. You are not alone and I would love to talk to you about how I'm handling everything. I love you!
Sarah
You are probably not as alone as you think and there is nothing wrong with you. What you are feeling is very normal but he just doesn't want to accept that. Take as much time as you want. I know for my part that forgiveness is going to take a while. I love you!
You are certainly not talking too much. I think talking about tragedies is extremely important--vital. I find forgiveness hard, and sometimes it does take many years. Very hard and complicated situation. If it were me, I would probably pray hard to be instructed by the Spirit regarding how, when and if to interact with your dad. I'm sure you do.
All the best.
Emily
Perhaps the reason you are taking this "harder" than your siblings is because you are the only one that is married, right? So you are in the position to view the situation with your dad not only as a daughter but also as a married woman who works hard to honer her vows. You understand a little deeper what was done and what was sacrificed. Do not let him or your siblings make you feel guilty for grieving the way you need to grieve. Your sad and angry feelings about this won't go away over night. Nor should they.
First of all I want you to know that I love you and even though it may seem like I have completely forgiven dad I haven't and I still have a hard time spending time with him and talking with him. The only thing that helps me get through this is the fact that he is still our father and he still loves us even though he claims he does not love mom.
You are not alone and you never will be, you can always talk to me. I am always there for you as your sister and especially your best friend. I love you.
p.s. would it be alright if I came down tomorrow afternoon to spend the night with you and your family?
To some level I think I understand how you feel. This is something I struggle with on a daily basis with someone who use to be close to me. We should go out sometime and chat. Whatcha think?
I understand completely. I'm so sorry.
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