Pulling apart a pretzel

Have you ever had a day when all things stressful converge? Yes, I'm sure you have, reader. I'm sure we have all had those days. I have. I am today. But isn't it strange how each time it happens it feels new and overwhelming? Rationally, I should know (and I DO know somewhere) that the prospect of making dinner is a silly thing to fall apart over. I also know that all the things that are colliding right over my head right now will pass, or I will work them out, one by one. But right now, at 4:25 pm on a Tuesday, I'm feeling inadequate and small. Here is what I think is going on.

I'm stressed out about the Games. I've been training for this since July. And there are so many "shoulds" and "oughts" running through my brain right now that are heavier on my mind than any real physical weight. I've always struggled with those two particular concepts: should and ought. But the end result is that I can't be what I want to be with that perspective. Knowing that I am holding myself back is stressful as well. It's time to register for the Open that starts the first week of March and I'm just dragging my feet. I'd like my head to be on right before I take the plunge.

I'm stressed out about money. We had to fix our car (see my previous post on, among other things, the death of our Toyota) And today we got the bill. It ended up being even more than the mechanic initially told us it would cost - of course. Dealing with this latest financial crisis has opened my eyes in a dramatic way to how vulnerable we are. I've drawn up a detailed budget (for the millionth time) and made a plan with the Professor to rebuild and improve our safety net for the future. But it will take time. And getting the bill was a little like getting kicked in the stomach.

I'm stressed out about food. Out of everything on my mind today, this one is probably the trigger, and ironically it is the easiest to change. Most of you know that I follow a Paleo diet. I eat meat, veggies, fruit, some nuts and seeds. I have also gotten in the habit of indulging in diary and maybe a little more fruit than might be considered really healthy (I'm referring mostly to dried fruit). With the Games in mind, I decided to cut out the dairy and the dried fruit. I'm five days in. I'm still eating a lot, please don't think I'm at all in danger of starving myself. But I can tell I'm not getting quite what I'm used to getting, if that makes sense.

The whole ends up being greater than the sum of each of these parts. I'm all tied in knots, mentally, and physically. [deep breath, let out very slowly] Now instead of fixing dinner, I'm going to climb into bed and read a good book. For a few minutes, at least.

Love,
The Professor's Wife